Cutting Off Parents

When Robin Brill walked into a conference for estranged parents this summer in Chicago, she was stunned by the crowd. More than 200 moms and dads filled the chairs, some of whom had traveled from as far away as Australia. Another 250 watched a livestream. Like Brill—whose 28-year-old son cut off contact three years ago—these parents were seeking one thing: answers. “We want to know what makes all these kids want to do this,” says Brill, a 60-year-old retired event planner from Atlanta. “Because whatever the individual case may be, they are all saying the same thing: ‘My mom is a narcissist.’ ‘My dad is self-absorbed.’ ‘It’s your fault something is wrong.’ ”

Many experts believe that estrangements between adult children and their parents are becoming an epidemic in the U.S., just like divorce in the 1970s. Much like then, the movement is driven by a convergence of large societal trends—this time the rise of social-media algorithms, changing therapeutic approaches and a broadening definition of trauma. “We’re at a cultural tipping point,” says William Doherty, a therapist and professor emeritus of family social science at the University of Minnesota. “A confluence of forces is leading to certain actions and choices that were considered taboo before now becoming acceptable and even celebrated, and then they spread via social contagion. Postpandemic statistics on estrangement are hard to come by. Prominent recent research—published in Cornell sociologist Karl Pillemer’s 2020 book, “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them”—shows that 10% of the U.S. population is estranged from, or has cut ties with, a parent or child at any given time, while 25% is estranged from any close relative.